These are simply some CleanLaughs I get in a daily e-mail. It's been a while since I checked this e-mail account, so I've got quite a few piled up.
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
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A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
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A six year old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes."
When he concluded, his mother asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie.
He smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."
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To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
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This one, I e-mailed to my pastor. A couple of times in his sermons he has mentioned going golfing and how he really doesn't feel it's the sport for him because he doesn't think he should participate in a sport that makes him want to cuss:
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
07 June 2006
07 April 2006
California!!!
Well, everyone, I'm currently visiting my brother, who lives in Hollywood, California, and I'm having lots of fun! I got here last night (I flew into LAX), and everything went really well with that. I sat next to the same lady flying from Albuquerque to Los Angeles as I did from St. Louis to Albuquerque. On the way from St. Louis to Albuquerque she was accompanying a sweet little old lady who lives near her in Cape Girardeau, Missouri who was headed to Tucson to visit a daughter. She on the other hand was headed (like me) to Los Angeles to visit a brother. Then, on the flight from Albuquerque to LA, the other guy in our row was a German Ph.D. student studying at an American university (I missed which one), so I got to speak some German! That was absolutely the best part of my day, actually.
My brother picked me up at the airport, and we went to his girlfriend's apartment in or around Anaheim (the town where Disneyland is), and we then went out to eat at the TGI Fridays they have at Knotts Berry Farm. It's kinda funny to come out of the restaurant and be facing a roller coaster, but that's really what happened! I got the double glazed ribs while we were there (and if you know me, this is no surprise), and then April (Jarod's girlfriend) paid (thanks, April!) We then spent the night at April's apartment. Jarod and April got up this morning and Jarod took April to work (her car was in the shop), and I got a shower and got ready while he was gone. It takes about 45 minutes to drive to where she works, so I had an hour and a half to wake up, get ready, etc. I did discover that I'd forgotten my toothbrush when I was at home, but since this seems to be the only thing I forgot, I'm not too concerned. I simply flossed and rinsed my mouth with Listerine and bought a toothbrush later in the day (after all, my toothbrush was starting to wear down anyway).
When Jarod got back, we went and picked April's car up at the repair shop and he drove it to her work while I followed in his car. I got to see the beach, as she works very close to it, and it would have been really cool if it weren't still somewhat cool out and thus completely unpopulated. It actually looked kinda desolate to tell you the truth. Oh well. After that, we ran back to Jarod's place in Hollywood (my, I just love saying that), then had lunch at In-N-Out (absolutely delicious burgers...I HIGHLY recommend it) and then went on to the...
RONALD REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY!!!
It's located in Simi Valley, and I'm not kidding you...It has some absolutely breathtaking views! It's truly amazing, and once I get some pictures developed after getting back to St. Louis, I will definitely have to post them on here. I was simply amazed, and then the inside of the library was very impressive as well. Considering the fact that Ronald Reagan is the best president the United States has seen in my lifetime (and perhaps even in the lifetimes of my parents), it was truly a neat experience for me. Mind you, we were kind of rushed out, as we were just finishing up as the library was closing, but the exhibit was truly amazing. My favorite parts were probably when I got to go inside the actual Air Force One that was used while Reagan was President and also a replica of what the Oval Office looked like when he was in it. I actually liked it quite a bit more than the pictures I've seen of it from George W. Bush and Bill Clinton's presidencies. The whole thing was very neat though. I would highly recommend it for anyone who comes to the Los Angeles area. I also really liked getting to walk all through the exhibit and hear in different displays the President as he said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" Then, when you walk out through the back you see a piece of the Berlin Wall. It's all concluded by getting to see the President's grave. It was sad in a way, but President Reagan was a Christian, so he's with Jesus in Heaven now! Not just a great life, but truly a great ending as well...because the ending was actually the greatest beginning anyone could imagine!
Anyway, we then came back to Hollywood and Jarod drove me around downtown a little bit and showed me a lot of the interesting stuff. I got to see the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the Chinese Theater, the El Capitan, and several others. Mixed into the day, he also just showed me where he used to live. I also saw the old Hollywood Tower Hotel (which is now apartments), and several other neat places along the way. I also saw the Kodak Theater, where they started having the Acadamy Awards a couple of years ago. Everything is truly just absolutely amazing. Yeah, in many ways, Los Angeles (and especially Hollywood) is very run down, but then there are also so many very neat things to see. So that's lots of fun! Also, I just thought I'd slip in there that he got us VIP tickets to see the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Monday night! I'm really excited about that too.
Okay, well, I've written enough now, so I'll write more I'm sure, but for now I'm good. Have a good day!
My brother picked me up at the airport, and we went to his girlfriend's apartment in or around Anaheim (the town where Disneyland is), and we then went out to eat at the TGI Fridays they have at Knotts Berry Farm. It's kinda funny to come out of the restaurant and be facing a roller coaster, but that's really what happened! I got the double glazed ribs while we were there (and if you know me, this is no surprise), and then April (Jarod's girlfriend) paid (thanks, April!) We then spent the night at April's apartment. Jarod and April got up this morning and Jarod took April to work (her car was in the shop), and I got a shower and got ready while he was gone. It takes about 45 minutes to drive to where she works, so I had an hour and a half to wake up, get ready, etc. I did discover that I'd forgotten my toothbrush when I was at home, but since this seems to be the only thing I forgot, I'm not too concerned. I simply flossed and rinsed my mouth with Listerine and bought a toothbrush later in the day (after all, my toothbrush was starting to wear down anyway).
When Jarod got back, we went and picked April's car up at the repair shop and he drove it to her work while I followed in his car. I got to see the beach, as she works very close to it, and it would have been really cool if it weren't still somewhat cool out and thus completely unpopulated. It actually looked kinda desolate to tell you the truth. Oh well. After that, we ran back to Jarod's place in Hollywood (my, I just love saying that), then had lunch at In-N-Out (absolutely delicious burgers...I HIGHLY recommend it) and then went on to the...
RONALD REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY!!!
It's located in Simi Valley, and I'm not kidding you...It has some absolutely breathtaking views! It's truly amazing, and once I get some pictures developed after getting back to St. Louis, I will definitely have to post them on here. I was simply amazed, and then the inside of the library was very impressive as well. Considering the fact that Ronald Reagan is the best president the United States has seen in my lifetime (and perhaps even in the lifetimes of my parents), it was truly a neat experience for me. Mind you, we were kind of rushed out, as we were just finishing up as the library was closing, but the exhibit was truly amazing. My favorite parts were probably when I got to go inside the actual Air Force One that was used while Reagan was President and also a replica of what the Oval Office looked like when he was in it. I actually liked it quite a bit more than the pictures I've seen of it from George W. Bush and Bill Clinton's presidencies. The whole thing was very neat though. I would highly recommend it for anyone who comes to the Los Angeles area. I also really liked getting to walk all through the exhibit and hear in different displays the President as he said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" Then, when you walk out through the back you see a piece of the Berlin Wall. It's all concluded by getting to see the President's grave. It was sad in a way, but President Reagan was a Christian, so he's with Jesus in Heaven now! Not just a great life, but truly a great ending as well...because the ending was actually the greatest beginning anyone could imagine!
Anyway, we then came back to Hollywood and Jarod drove me around downtown a little bit and showed me a lot of the interesting stuff. I got to see the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the Chinese Theater, the El Capitan, and several others. Mixed into the day, he also just showed me where he used to live. I also saw the old Hollywood Tower Hotel (which is now apartments), and several other neat places along the way. I also saw the Kodak Theater, where they started having the Acadamy Awards a couple of years ago. Everything is truly just absolutely amazing. Yeah, in many ways, Los Angeles (and especially Hollywood) is very run down, but then there are also so many very neat things to see. So that's lots of fun! Also, I just thought I'd slip in there that he got us VIP tickets to see the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Monday night! I'm really excited about that too.
Okay, well, I've written enough now, so I'll write more I'm sure, but for now I'm good. Have a good day!
20 March 2006
If President Bush were coming...
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"
28 February 2006
DO IT NOW
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
22 February 2006
The Cynic's Guide to Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
17 January 2006
Honesty
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
Quote from Donald Kennedy
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
Scottish thriftiness
I love Scottish people. Their blunt honesty is so wonderful. We need people who will tell it like it is, and this is a perfect example.
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
06 January 2006
Paper-thin Walls
I picture myself being the neightbor in this situation.
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
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