What is courage?

A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"

The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.

All he had written was: "This is."

Good test for a psychic

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Scary but true

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"

No more sin

This was submitted to my daily laugh e-mail by Danette from Ohio.

When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."

You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.

This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."

Heaven entrance test

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228."

"That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Funny Newspaper Comments

* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Senior Citizen Dating Classifieds

If I ever catch either of my parents doing this, it's straight to the nursing home!

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

How to photograph your new puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Ho hum...but great!

Currently reading: Harry Potter und der Gefangene von Askaban (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in German)

Okay, I just wrote out this whole post, and then completely lost it--long story short--due to my dad's pop-up blocker on his computer. Ugh! Oh well! I guess I'll get over it pretty quickly, eh?

First off, life goes pretty slowly when you work at McDonald's. Mind you, it's not that I dislike it all that much, and I enjoy being around most of the other people who work there, but I pretty much just come home at the end of a day that's just like the last, and that's about it! Weekends are slightly more exciting, as I get to spend time with friends or family, and generally we're busier at work, but other than that, life is just somewhat ho-hum. Work can get somewhat interesting though when I work with Sue or Cece or another interesting person. We come up with interesting jokes and stories to tell each other, and Cece's been scolding me lately for sleeping my life away because I claim to need 9 hours each night, when in reality all anyone ever needs is 4. Meet Cece, and you'll know that that is reality for her. In addition to work, I've still been finding some good entertainment on websites like Facebook.com and, as I'm always trying to improve my German skills, Crosschannel.de. I've already met a few great friends in Germany, France, and Austria through this website who are brothers and sisters in the Lord. It's such a blessing!

In other news though, I've started the application process for two different missionary programs that could potentially take me to Germany or at least Western Europe again. One of the programs, as many of you already know about, is called the Journeyman program and is through the Southern Baptist Convention's International Mission Board. This really is the program I would prefer, as they pay your way. The only problem is that they don't offer many positions in Germany or Western Europe. Therefore, I've also begun applying with Greater Europe Mission based in Monument, Colorado and Oshawa, Ontario. I have visited their office in Colorado and am very impressed with them as an organization. I actually like most features of this program more than Journeyman (I don't know why), but I have to raise my own funds for it. Just the same, I know that the Lord has called me to this, and He will provide a way no matter what.

Well, that's all I'm going to write for now. In closing this post, I would just like to share the lyrics of a song that has been rather inspirational for me lately:

I Can Only Imagine (Click the link to hear an absolutely wonderful version of this song on the Internet; it's country, but I guess every genre is bound to have it's good songs too, huh?)

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by Your side;
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me.
I can only imagine.

Chorus:

Surrounded by Your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus,
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing, "Hallelujah!"
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son.
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You.
I can only imagine.

Chorus

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You.
I can only imagine.

Deutsch:
"Habe Deine Lust am HERRN; der wird dir geben, was dein Herz wünschet."--Psalm 37,4 (Lutherbibel)

English:
"Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart's desires."--Psalm 37:4 (Holman CSB)

Français:
"Fais de l'Éternel tes délices, Et il te donnera ce que ton coeur désire."--Psaume 37:4 (Louis Segond)

Norsk:
"Og gled dig i Herren! Så skal han gi dig hvad ditt hjerte attrår."--Salmenes 37:4 (Det Norsk Bibelselskap 1930)

Resume Examples

I got this in an e-mail today...I really liked the Mongolian sheep comment.

These are real examples from real resumes:

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Happy Birthday Telephone Greetings

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."