1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS.
29 December 2005
Would you really be surprised?
"The meeting of the clairvoyant society has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."--Author unknown
22 December 2005
CURSE YOU LATE NIGHT FLIGHTS!
Currently reading: Heaven by Randy AlcornOkay, it's 11:00 P.M., I want to go to bed, but I have to leave soon to pick my brother up at the airport in St. Louis because his plane doesn't come in until 12:20 in the morning! Ugh! We're going to be leaving soon, but I just thought I'd give my input about that.
16 December 2005
Me at the age of four or five
Well, a person or two kept begging me to change my Facebook picture because they couldn't stand the sight of my demon cat. What do you think of the new one?
12 December 2005
SNOW and CHRISTMAS!!!
Well everyone, I don't know about where you are, but those of us in the Midwestern U.S. just got A BUNCH of snow this past week! That makes me extremely happy, let me tell you. Mind you, most of it is melted away now, but I made sure to go outside and photograph the house after it happened, as well as the rest of the street.
In addition to getting the Christmas decorations up, the church Christmas pageant was this weekend, and this year it was a type of musical/cantata called Wondrous Gift. It was really good, and really did a great job at focusing on the reason for Christmas: Jesus! Praise God for this wonderful gift of salvation that He brings this Christmas!
On top of the snow, CHRISTMAS is coming! Therefore we've got the inside of our house all decked out for it, and this is our living room. Just so you know, we did have the fireplace turned on for the picture that shows it. The fire just wouldn't show up in the picture.
In addition to getting the Christmas decorations up, the church Christmas pageant was this weekend, and this year it was a type of musical/cantata called Wondrous Gift. It was really good, and really did a great job at focusing on the reason for Christmas: Jesus! Praise God for this wonderful gift of salvation that He brings this Christmas!
11 December 2005
More from Alton and Elsah
This is the view one has of the Mississippi River from a small parking lot at the entrance to Elsah where you can park so that you can just walk around the village:
Then, upon entering Elsah, this house is the first this one sees on the left:
As you drive on by, you'll see this on your left:
And this will be on your right:
Keep walking, and you'll find the Corner Nest Bed & Breakfast on your left:
Here's an example of one of the street signs used in Elsah. Also notice just one of the many beautiful houses in the background that makes you fall in love with the little village.
Here are just some more examples of what you see walking along Mill Street in Elsah.
After that, you come upon the Green Tree Inn, now up for sale. I would love for a friend to buy it and give me a few free nights each year though.;)
You also come upon this house which my family and I toured during an open house when we first moved to Illinois. It was pretty expensive though. When we toured it in 1996 or 1997, it was well over $200,000, which means with inflation, it's probably around $300,000-$500,000 now, maybe even more! It was a beautiful home, inside and out, built in the 19th century (sorry friends in Europe, but for the U.S., that's old). Plus, it's got a neat old garage in back with an apartment over it!
If you keep walking, there will be a place to buy wagons and buggies, now closed for a good long time. They may still use it for village civic activities or as a museum or something. I'm not sure.
You keep walking and see another beautiful cottage on your left.
You soon make a left after this and go over a quaint little bridge to find the Methodist church on your right across the street. Although you can't tell in this picture, the church has an adorable little mailbox that looks quite similar to the church on the church lawn.
You then continue on down the road and find the village hall on your left. Sorry, but there was just no way that I could get that power/telephone/whatever it's for line out of the picture.
You then continue on to find a little dessert restaurant on your left called My Just Desserts. I've never been there, but it's been featured a few times lately on the local morning show, Show Me St. Louis. I'm just dying to try it out sometime! There's this one in Elsah and another one in Alton. Across the street in the little building with the roof which hangs out over the entrance is the Christian Science Reading Room. This wouldn't seem so significant unless you've ever been to Elsah and realized that the vast majority of the population is Christian Scientist due to the only Christian Science college/university (for those in other countries, they're the same thing in the U.S. except for size) in the world (Principia College) being up a little side road about a mile or two. I would say that most of the traffic I saw going through Elsah that evening was heading to or from Principia in the white numbered vehicles they use to escort students around in. If you ever decide to visit Elsah, the campus is beautiful to drive around with some absolutely amazing buildings, and an incredible chapel, but be warned that you're being watched THE WHOLE TIME! Leaving your car is not allowed, you're only allowed on campus 10-15 minutes total, and if you drive off the tour path at all (as I accidentally once did), and official will instantly pop out and redirect you (as friendly as possible) in the right direction. When you get back to the front gate, they will also know that you accidentally got off the beaten path. It's pretty big brotherish. A beautiful drive just the same though. Thus being said, it's probably no big surprise that Elsah is such a small village, as the mortality rate in a religion which doesn't allow doctors would probably keep the town from growing much.
And to conclude my little photo tour of Elsah, Illinois, here's a picture of another bed and breakfast in town.
And that's the conclusion of my little photo tour of Elsah! I hope you all enjoyed it! Mind you, there were some pictures that I didn't get which I wish I could have, but that's just another reason to go back, huh?
More pictures from Alton and Elsah
Well, I'm only extremely behind on updating my blog, aren't I? Haha! Anyway, I thought I'd go ahead and get some more pictures from my trip to Alton and Elsah posted. I hope you enjoy them!
This is a staircase in the park in Alton. I don't know why, but ever since we first went to this park when I was in 8th Grade, I have loved this staircase and made a tradition of going down and then back up every time we go. This time I went down and came back up twice!
Now, I'll go ahead and end this post here and pick the next one up in Elsah.
This is a staircase in the park in Alton. I don't know why, but ever since we first went to this park when I was in 8th Grade, I have loved this staircase and made a tradition of going down and then back up every time we go. This time I went down and came back up twice!
There are also some cool houses in the area of the park in Alton. While much of Alton is skanky and ghetto, the houses by the park are very beautiful, having an expensive view of the river.
Now, I'll go ahead and end this post here and pick the next one up in Elsah.
07 December 2005
American High School Analogies
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
03 December 2005
The pastor agrees to drink!
Okay, now I know that I really can be a preacher, so long as I can keep employing these kinds of tactics:
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
Delivery!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these," and he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these," and he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
28 November 2005
Two Horses
I got this in my daily joke e-mail. It's not really very funny, but I found it to be a very good illustration just the same!
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
Farewell Balloon
I found this rather funny, although it's not my wife they're talking about, as I'm not married. LOL
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
25 November 2005
Weight or IQ?
I think it would be hilarious if my doctor had this in his office. Finally, we find a good reason for the Americans to not use the metric system! Haha!
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
Thanksgiving poem
For those who don't live in the U.S., this poem is a good description of what we do on Thanksgiving.
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
10 November 2005
Oops...
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
Hmmm...buying a new dress the spiritual way?
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
Well, I guess this changes things...
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms'?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms'?"
07 November 2005
Pictures from my Trip to Alton and Elsah
Well everyone, my dad has now shown me how to use the scanner, so I can finally get my pictures from Alton and Elsah in here. I hope you enjoy all of them!
These are some views of the Mississippi River from a hilltop park in Alton:
These are some views of the Mississippi River from a hilltop park in Alton:
These are simply some pictures of the park itself:
I also have more pictures to come! I'll just have to post them in another post I think. I hope you enjoy all of the colors the Great River Road in Illinois has to offer this time of year!
04 November 2005
The truth is finally revealed...
Well everyone, I'm finally admitting it: I live in a commune. I know, I know, you all thought that I lived in this nice house in Troy, Illinois with my parents. Well, the truth is, I do live with my parents, and in a nice house, but the house is just really big, and we're not the only ones who live here. We live in the Troy, Illinois Christian commune. All of the money I earn at McDonald's goes back to the group for the greater good of the whole. I mean, honestly, can you think of a more selfless way to live?
And if you believed all of that bunk, you are just as gullible as a guy that I work with who will remain nameless. The other day, I jokingly told him that I live in a commune here in Troy and that my family and I were all communists. I thought he knew that I was joking. He took me seriously, hook, line, and sinker! I didn't realize it until today though when I heard him telling someone else that we work with.
Nameless person: Hey Ronna, did you know that Drew lives in a commune?
Ronna: What? What the heck are you talking about?
NP: I'm serious. He told me the other day.
R: What's he talking about, Drew?
Drew: Seriously...I live in a commune!
R: Oh yeah, where is it?
D (beginning to laugh): Over off of Collinsville Road...by Bethel Baptist Church.
NP: What, you mean over by the park? I didn't know there was anything over there except Bethel Baptist. Oh, I'll bet it's underground, huh?
D (laughing almost hysterically): No, it's just kinda hidden behind the church.
NP: Seriously?
R: You are so full of s***.
D (still laughing): Yeah, I know.
NP: Really? You mean you don't live in a commune?
D (sarcastically): Oh yeah, I really live in a commune.
R: I'm telling you, you are full of s***!
NP: So, do you live in a commune or not?
D: No, I don't really live in a commune!
--End of dialog--
Let's just say the nameless person took a lot of flak for the rest of the day. Also, since Cece (the store manager) put me on meat today instead of assembly, which is what I wanted to do, I'm having the Stasi from the commune go get her to put her into one of our education camps. Let's see if she ever makes that mistake again...
In other news, things have been going rather well lately. I've been continuing with the application process for missions, and pretty much all of the other stuff that I'm always doing, which basically includes work and church. My parents have been out of town this week visiting relatives in Kentucky and Ohio, so I've had the whole house to myself, which has been somewhat lonely (houses grow when you're the only one in them!), but I've also found some fun stuff to do to keep myself occupied. The best was yesterday, when I went up to Alton and past there on the Great River Road to Elsah and Pere Marquette State Park (Pere is pronounced like the French name Pierre). It was so neat! In Alton, I simply drove to a very beautiful hilltop park overlooking the Mississippi River. I read my Bible, prayed, and wrote in my journal up there. Then, I got back in my car and drove up the road several more miles to Elsah, Illinois, which I walked through in about 10-15 minutes. Elsah is this really cool little village with old style cottages and homes. There's a couple of neat little B&B's, a really neat inn which is up for sale, a couple of different town sights (the Village Hall is now a museum, and there's also a civic center and a music hall). There are two little churches (the Methodist church's pastor also just happens to be named Charles Schwabb), and a couple of other little shops and such. I've never been there, but My Just Desserts has been featured on Show Me St. Louis a couple of times, so I really want to try it sometime!
After Elsah, I drove up the road some more to Pere Marquette State Park. The lodge up there is so nice! I peed, looked through the gift shop a little bit, and then started making my way back down to Edwardsville. I stopped there and got my pictures developed at Walgreens (which I will also post on here after my dad gets home and shows me how to use the scanner).
And if you believed all of that bunk, you are just as gullible as a guy that I work with who will remain nameless. The other day, I jokingly told him that I live in a commune here in Troy and that my family and I were all communists. I thought he knew that I was joking. He took me seriously, hook, line, and sinker! I didn't realize it until today though when I heard him telling someone else that we work with.
Nameless person: Hey Ronna, did you know that Drew lives in a commune?
Ronna: What? What the heck are you talking about?
NP: I'm serious. He told me the other day.
R: What's he talking about, Drew?
Drew: Seriously...I live in a commune!
R: Oh yeah, where is it?
D (beginning to laugh): Over off of Collinsville Road...by Bethel Baptist Church.
NP: What, you mean over by the park? I didn't know there was anything over there except Bethel Baptist. Oh, I'll bet it's underground, huh?
D (laughing almost hysterically): No, it's just kinda hidden behind the church.
NP: Seriously?
R: You are so full of s***.
D (still laughing): Yeah, I know.
NP: Really? You mean you don't live in a commune?
D (sarcastically): Oh yeah, I really live in a commune.
R: I'm telling you, you are full of s***!
NP: So, do you live in a commune or not?
D: No, I don't really live in a commune!
--End of dialog--
Let's just say the nameless person took a lot of flak for the rest of the day. Also, since Cece (the store manager) put me on meat today instead of assembly, which is what I wanted to do, I'm having the Stasi from the commune go get her to put her into one of our education camps. Let's see if she ever makes that mistake again...
In other news, things have been going rather well lately. I've been continuing with the application process for missions, and pretty much all of the other stuff that I'm always doing, which basically includes work and church. My parents have been out of town this week visiting relatives in Kentucky and Ohio, so I've had the whole house to myself, which has been somewhat lonely (houses grow when you're the only one in them!), but I've also found some fun stuff to do to keep myself occupied. The best was yesterday, when I went up to Alton and past there on the Great River Road to Elsah and Pere Marquette State Park (Pere is pronounced like the French name Pierre). It was so neat! In Alton, I simply drove to a very beautiful hilltop park overlooking the Mississippi River. I read my Bible, prayed, and wrote in my journal up there. Then, I got back in my car and drove up the road several more miles to Elsah, Illinois, which I walked through in about 10-15 minutes. Elsah is this really cool little village with old style cottages and homes. There's a couple of neat little B&B's, a really neat inn which is up for sale, a couple of different town sights (the Village Hall is now a museum, and there's also a civic center and a music hall). There are two little churches (the Methodist church's pastor also just happens to be named Charles Schwabb), and a couple of other little shops and such. I've never been there, but My Just Desserts has been featured on Show Me St. Louis a couple of times, so I really want to try it sometime!
After Elsah, I drove up the road some more to Pere Marquette State Park. The lodge up there is so nice! I peed, looked through the gift shop a little bit, and then started making my way back down to Edwardsville. I stopped there and got my pictures developed at Walgreens (which I will also post on here after my dad gets home and shows me how to use the scanner).
Also, in some very sad news, my great aunt Mescal (we call her "Mec") died of Ovarian cancer last night. She was 85 years old. It came as such a shock too, as just about one or two weeks ago, she was hopping around like she was just fine. I don't recall ever having the chance of meeting her, but just the same, she will be missed by many here on Earth!
Anyway, I now need to finish doing laundry and then get to bed, as I am leaving in the morning to go visit friends in Murray! Yea! Good night everyone!
29 October 2005
What is courage?
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
28 October 2005
Good test for a psychic
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Scary but true
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
25 October 2005
No more sin
This was submitted to my daily laugh e-mail by Danette from Ohio.
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
24 October 2005
Heaven entrance test
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228."
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228."
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
Funny Newspaper Comments
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
19 October 2005
Senior Citizen Dating Classifieds
If I ever catch either of my parents doing this, it's straight to the nursing home!
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
16 October 2005
How to photograph your new puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
15 October 2005
Ho hum...but great!
Currently reading: Harry Potter und der Gefangene von Askaban (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in German)
Okay, I just wrote out this whole post, and then completely lost it--long story short--due to my dad's pop-up blocker on his computer. Ugh! Oh well! I guess I'll get over it pretty quickly, eh?
First off, life goes pretty slowly when you work at McDonald's. Mind you, it's not that I dislike it all that much, and I enjoy being around most of the other people who work there, but I pretty much just come home at the end of a day that's just like the last, and that's about it! Weekends are slightly more exciting, as I get to spend time with friends or family, and generally we're busier at work, but other than that, life is just somewhat ho-hum. Work can get somewhat interesting though when I work with Sue or Cece or another interesting person. We come up with interesting jokes and stories to tell each other, and Cece's been scolding me lately for sleeping my life away because I claim to need 9 hours each night, when in reality all anyone ever needs is 4. Meet Cece, and you'll know that that is reality for her. In addition to work, I've still been finding some good entertainment on websites like Facebook.com and, as I'm always trying to improve my German skills, Crosschannel.de. I've already met a few great friends in Germany, France, and Austria through this website who are brothers and sisters in the Lord. It's such a blessing!
In other news though, I've started the application process for two different missionary programs that could potentially take me to Germany or at least Western Europe again. One of the programs, as many of you already know about, is called the Journeyman program and is through the Southern Baptist Convention's International Mission Board. This really is the program I would prefer, as they pay your way. The only problem is that they don't offer many positions in Germany or Western Europe. Therefore, I've also begun applying with Greater Europe Mission based in Monument, Colorado and Oshawa, Ontario. I have visited their office in Colorado and am very impressed with them as an organization. I actually like most features of this program more than Journeyman (I don't know why), but I have to raise my own funds for it. Just the same, I know that the Lord has called me to this, and He will provide a way no matter what.
Well, that's all I'm going to write for now. In closing this post, I would just like to share the lyrics of a song that has been rather inspirational for me lately:
I Can Only Imagine (Click the link to hear an absolutely wonderful version of this song on the Internet; it's country, but I guess every genre is bound to have it's good songs too, huh?)
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by Your side;
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me.
I can only imagine.
Chorus:
Surrounded by Your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus,
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing, "Hallelujah!"
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son.
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You.
I can only imagine.
Chorus
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You.
I can only imagine.
Deutsch:
"Habe Deine Lust am HERRN; der wird dir geben, was dein Herz wünschet."--Psalm 37,4 (Lutherbibel)
English:
"Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart's desires."--Psalm 37:4 (Holman CSB)
Français:
"Fais de l'Éternel tes délices, Et il te donnera ce que ton coeur désire."--Psaume 37:4 (Louis Segond)
Norsk:
"Og gled dig i Herren! Så skal han gi dig hvad ditt hjerte attrår."--Salmenes 37:4 (Det Norsk Bibelselskap 1930)
14 October 2005
Resume Examples
I got this in an e-mail today...I really liked the Mongolian sheep comment.
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Happy Birthday Telephone Greetings
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
30 September 2005
Vanity License Plates
I got this in a daily humor e-mail today and thought it was pretty funny. I could easily see this one happening in Illinois too, as up until Governor George Ryan took over the state a few years back (although he's no longer governor and headed to prison instead), vanity plates were about the same price here.
In Virginia personalized license plates are very common, since the state only charges $10 for them. Many married couples will have both of their initials put on their license plates.
Today I saw the following plate DIA REA. If I were them, I probably would have reversed the order.
In Virginia personalized license plates are very common, since the state only charges $10 for them. Many married couples will have both of their initials put on their license plates.
Today I saw the following plate DIA REA. If I were them, I probably would have reversed the order.
19 September 2005
Cool line
This was a quote I got today in my e-mail:
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
10 September 2005
Might not be a bad idea
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.
My brother would like this joke
This is from the Reader's Digest "Laugh Lines" September 2005 free e-mail they send out.
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned.
"Does it bother anyone else?" one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned.
"Does it bother anyone else?" one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Terrible Wife!
Whoever this woman is, she should be taken into the street and shot. This is from the Reader's Digest "Laugh Lines" September 2005 free e-mail they send out.
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after four hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't."
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after four hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't."
09 September 2005
I guess someone's gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight...
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
Hmmm...maybe the wrong approach?
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
Crusty Pottyhump--My New Name!
We all need a little stress-reliever today! This only takes a minute.
Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
A = Snickle
B = Doombah
C = Goober
D = Cheesey
E = Crusty
F = Greasy
G = Dumbo
H = Farcus
I = Dorky
J = Doofus
K = Funky
L = Boobie
M = Sleezy
N = Sloopy
O = Fluffy
P = Stinky
Q = Slimy
R = Dorfus
S = Snooty
T = Tootsie
U = Dipsy
V = Sneezy
W = Liver
X = Skippy
Y = Dinky
Z = Zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
A = Dippin
B = Feather
C = Batty
D = Burger
E = Chicken
F = Barffy
G = Lizard
H = waffle
I = Farkle
J = Monkey
K = Flippin
L = Fricken
M = Bubble
N = Rhino
O = Potty
P = Hamster
Q = Buckle
R = Gizzard
S = Lickin
T = Snickle
U = Chuckle
V = Pickle
W = Hubble
X = Dingle
Y = Gorilla
Z = Girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
A = Butt
B = Boob
C = Face
D = Nose
E = Hump
F = Breath
G = Pants
H = Shorts
I = Lips
J = Honker
K = Head
L = Tush
M = Chunks
N = Dunkin
O = Brains
P = Biscuits
Q = Toes
R = Doodle
S = Fanny
T = Sniffer
U = Sprinkles
V = Frack
W = Squirt
X = Humperdinck
Y = Hiney
Z = Juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny. And Bill Clinton's is: Boobie Frickenlips -- how appropriate is that!!!!
Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
A = Snickle
B = Doombah
C = Goober
D = Cheesey
E = Crusty
F = Greasy
G = Dumbo
H = Farcus
I = Dorky
J = Doofus
K = Funky
L = Boobie
M = Sleezy
N = Sloopy
O = Fluffy
P = Stinky
Q = Slimy
R = Dorfus
S = Snooty
T = Tootsie
U = Dipsy
V = Sneezy
W = Liver
X = Skippy
Y = Dinky
Z = Zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
A = Dippin
B = Feather
C = Batty
D = Burger
E = Chicken
F = Barffy
G = Lizard
H = waffle
I = Farkle
J = Monkey
K = Flippin
L = Fricken
M = Bubble
N = Rhino
O = Potty
P = Hamster
Q = Buckle
R = Gizzard
S = Lickin
T = Snickle
U = Chuckle
V = Pickle
W = Hubble
X = Dingle
Y = Gorilla
Z = Girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
A = Butt
B = Boob
C = Face
D = Nose
E = Hump
F = Breath
G = Pants
H = Shorts
I = Lips
J = Honker
K = Head
L = Tush
M = Chunks
N = Dunkin
O = Brains
P = Biscuits
Q = Toes
R = Doodle
S = Fanny
T = Sniffer
U = Sprinkles
V = Frack
W = Squirt
X = Humperdinck
Y = Hiney
Z = Juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny. And Bill Clinton's is: Boobie Frickenlips -- how appropriate is that!!!!
20 August 2005
Wrong Prescription
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
18 August 2005
Too Many Kids
Hehe...truly lost her mind.
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
Rough Nuns
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
17 August 2005
Differences Between Women and Men
Difference between men and women
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secrets fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secrets fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
27 July 2005
Another Survey
Welcome to the Spring 2005 edition of getting to know your friends.
What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already
1. What time did you get up this morning? 7.30
2. Diamonds or pearls? I'm not a girl
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I think it was Christmas with the Kranks
4. What are your favorite TV shows? CSI and Law & Order
5. What did you have for breakfast? I don’t think I had anything before going to church except maybe a glass of water
6. What is your middle name? Thomas
7. What is your favorite food? Ice cream with gummy bears
8. What foods do you dislike? Mushrooms are my most loathed, but I also don’t like asparagus or spinach or onions that crunch
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Tortilla chips with salsa or some other dip
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Hillsong Church Shout to the Lord
11. What kind of car do you drive? 2000 olive green Kia Sephia
12. Favorite sandwich? The buffalo chicken sub from Charly’s Grilled Subs with only the meat, buffalo sauce, cheese, and ranch
13. What characteristic do you despise? Manipulative
14. Favorite item of clothing? Any of my stuff that’s from American Eagle
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I usually would say the UK, but since maniacs have been blowing up the tube, and riding the tube is part of the experience, I just don’t know about that right now…so maybe I’d agree with Marisa on Ireland…although I’ve also been wanting to go to Bregenz, Austria
16. What color is your bathroom? White
17. Favorite brand of clothing? American Eagle
18. Where would you retire to? If I had the money, probably a Swiss chateau, but I'm going into ministry, and that generally makes any thought of ever living in Switzerland a virtual impossibility, so I'd have to say probably Florida
19. Favorite time of the day? The time of day when families get together…so evening probably
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Probably when I turned 17, as my friends threw me a surprise party
21. Where were you born? Loring Air Force Base, Maine
22. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball or the REAL football (a.k.a. soccer)
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Well, I’m pretty much just sending it to Marisa, who sent it to me, and posting it in my blog, so I really am not paying much attention to that
24. Person you expect to send it back first? I don’t care
25. What fabric detergent do you use? I really like All a lot, but right now we’re using SA8
26. Coke or Pepsi? In general, I like Pepsi products better, but for cola and lemon-lime drink, I prefer Coke
27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning
28. What is your shoe size? 10-10 ½
29. Do you have any pets? Nope…I want a dog though
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Just got a new job working as a teller at U.S. Bank!
31. What did you want to be when you were little? I don’t remember…I think a teacher
32. Do you have any children? Nope…two wonderful nephews though!
33. What's your favorite holiday? I really like both Christmas and Easter…I can’t choose
34. What's your favorite day of the week? Friday…you come home from work and just relax!
35. Where do you work? I just got a new job at U.S. Bank…I start a week from tomorrow
What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already
1. What time did you get up this morning? 7.30
2. Diamonds or pearls? I'm not a girl
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I think it was Christmas with the Kranks
4. What are your favorite TV shows? CSI and Law & Order
5. What did you have for breakfast? I don’t think I had anything before going to church except maybe a glass of water
6. What is your middle name? Thomas
7. What is your favorite food? Ice cream with gummy bears
8. What foods do you dislike? Mushrooms are my most loathed, but I also don’t like asparagus or spinach or onions that crunch
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Tortilla chips with salsa or some other dip
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Hillsong Church Shout to the Lord
11. What kind of car do you drive? 2000 olive green Kia Sephia
12. Favorite sandwich? The buffalo chicken sub from Charly’s Grilled Subs with only the meat, buffalo sauce, cheese, and ranch
13. What characteristic do you despise? Manipulative
14. Favorite item of clothing? Any of my stuff that’s from American Eagle
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I usually would say the UK, but since maniacs have been blowing up the tube, and riding the tube is part of the experience, I just don’t know about that right now…so maybe I’d agree with Marisa on Ireland…although I’ve also been wanting to go to Bregenz, Austria
16. What color is your bathroom? White
17. Favorite brand of clothing? American Eagle
18. Where would you retire to? If I had the money, probably a Swiss chateau, but I'm going into ministry, and that generally makes any thought of ever living in Switzerland a virtual impossibility, so I'd have to say probably Florida
19. Favorite time of the day? The time of day when families get together…so evening probably
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Probably when I turned 17, as my friends threw me a surprise party
21. Where were you born? Loring Air Force Base, Maine
22. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball or the REAL football (a.k.a. soccer)
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Well, I’m pretty much just sending it to Marisa, who sent it to me, and posting it in my blog, so I really am not paying much attention to that
24. Person you expect to send it back first? I don’t care
25. What fabric detergent do you use? I really like All a lot, but right now we’re using SA8
26. Coke or Pepsi? In general, I like Pepsi products better, but for cola and lemon-lime drink, I prefer Coke
27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning
28. What is your shoe size? 10-10 ½
29. Do you have any pets? Nope…I want a dog though
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? Just got a new job working as a teller at U.S. Bank!
31. What did you want to be when you were little? I don’t remember…I think a teacher
32. Do you have any children? Nope…two wonderful nephews though!
33. What's your favorite holiday? I really like both Christmas and Easter…I can’t choose
34. What's your favorite day of the week? Friday…you come home from work and just relax!
35. Where do you work? I just got a new job at U.S. Bank…I start a week from tomorrow
Unkosher Rabbi
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
23 July 2005
Adopted Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
20 July 2005
Make Your Bed!
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
07 July 2005
Dutch and American Flags
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
27 June 2005
BRONCOS CHECKS!
Okay, I just opened a checking account with U.S. Bank the other day, and I have to say, today they proved themselves less than satisfactory. My checks came in the mail, and they're all covered in Denver Broncos logos! If they're going to go around promoting sports teams, they should probably promote the ones that are worth something...like the St. Louis Rams! They've really got a lot to do to redeem themselves now! Really, the best checks they could make available to me would be St. Louis Cardinals, but I'm not sure if they've got them available or not. However, I'm just going to have to wait and see!
25 June 2005
Colorado Springs!
Okay, I've been in Colorado Springs for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and I'm loving it in a lot of ways!
I can't tell you how neat it is to be able to be driving down the interstate and get to see the Air Force Academy Chapel off in the distance, or the roof of Focus on the Family. It's so much fun to see the mountains off in the distance again, after not seeing them for so long after living in Tucson. On top of that, the mild weather here is always a plus too.
On the other hand, I also miss home. Every now and then, I start missing my nephews again. I can't wait for them to come and visit here though, as there's so much that would be fun to do with them here. I also still haven't found a job (although I've got some resumes into places that seem promising). On top of that, I miss Sunday School in Illinois, as the teacher and class there was great! The class I'm in here is pretty cool too, but I guess I've just got some adjusting to do.
Anyway, now it's Saturday, and I'm just hanging out, posting on Common Thread, and playing Monopoly on Games.com. So, on that happy note, I'm gonna go ahead and get going! Hope all is well with all of you!
I can't tell you how neat it is to be able to be driving down the interstate and get to see the Air Force Academy Chapel off in the distance, or the roof of Focus on the Family. It's so much fun to see the mountains off in the distance again, after not seeing them for so long after living in Tucson. On top of that, the mild weather here is always a plus too.
On the other hand, I also miss home. Every now and then, I start missing my nephews again. I can't wait for them to come and visit here though, as there's so much that would be fun to do with them here. I also still haven't found a job (although I've got some resumes into places that seem promising). On top of that, I miss Sunday School in Illinois, as the teacher and class there was great! The class I'm in here is pretty cool too, but I guess I've just got some adjusting to do.
Anyway, now it's Saturday, and I'm just hanging out, posting on Common Thread, and playing Monopoly on Games.com. So, on that happy note, I'm gonna go ahead and get going! Hope all is well with all of you!
24 June 2005
Spell a Word to Get Into Heaven!
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
18 June 2005
Common Thread Christian Forum
I would simply like to ask that everyone who hasn't already visit the Common Thread Christian Forum. I am the Head Moderator there and would really like it if more people would sign up. We're really trying to promote our little forum and hope that others would join and have fun with us there! There are all sorts of interesting things to do. You can post jokes, play online games, discuss/debate theology and politics, or just sit and chat with others. So drop on by! Plus, if you ever have trouble finding this link again, just look at the sidebar of my blog and I have it listed in the "Links" section.
17 June 2005
PIG!
I don't know why I found this so hilarious, especially since it insults my gender. However, there's something about it that just got me laughing, so I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
02 June 2005
Who should make the coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew thee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
"The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
"The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
The man and the ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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